Monday, March 1, 2010

Ask Eddi - What do you think about relationships with partnered people in Second Life?

Dear Eddi:

I have a problem. 

I have known this really gorgeous guy on and off for the past year.  We had sex for this first time last week, and I really liked it. The thing is this guy seems to not want to have have sex with me again, yet he said he likes to have casual sex with friends.  I am afraid I may have fallen in love with him.  Oh yes, he does have a partner in his profile. What do you think of this?

In love in Louisisna

Dear Smitten Avatar:

First of all, let us think about what the term "partnered" means in Second Life when it comes to someone's availability for cybersex:

1. The person may be partnered and in an exclusive relationship. They are essentially cheating on their partner if they have made a commitment to be faithful with each other. Although Eddi has expressed his opinion before on the unsuitability of this arrangement for Second Life, many people have entered into an agreement with each other. It is probably not a good idea to fall in love with one of these people.  Even if they are willing to have an affair with you, you will most likely get limited emotional award from this. And if they are telling you that they are about to leave their partner, do yourself a favor and do not end up partnering them.  If they cheated once, they will cheat again unless the both of you can agree to have an open relationship.

2. The person may be in an open relationship.  Included in this are asexual relationships in which both partners allow the other to have sex.  An open relationship can simply be an arrangement of convenience or a relationship between two people very much in love who happen to have sex with others.  For these people, sex with others can take the form of casual sex, in which cybersex is seen as some sort of advanced online game with masturbation generally used as a final reward; emotion does not have that much part in it. Other people in open relationships might be available for an emotion based relationship, but are highly unlikely to do so with all seriousness since they are probably committed to the person in their profile.

3. Their partner might be a shill, it can be one of their alts or just someone else they know that are partnered to since they do not want to appear to be single.  These partnered people should be treated as single people.
Eddi's advice for anyone who is partnered is to be polite and identify yourself as one of the three groups before you have sex with a pick-up, or if you are the pickup-ee.

1. Being in a partnered relationship in which you should not being having sex with the person (most people do this anyway by asking their pickup to keep their laison secret).

2, Being in an open relationship, and if you are, you need to explain that you have "casual sex with others", or "not avialble for a relationship since you are partnered".

3. Telling the other that your partner is not really a partner, and not to worry about it.

4.  If the subject of hooking up again comes up, don't say you want to just to be nice. Say that you have a partner, and really are not available.  You will avoid having to hurt the person's feelings later. Be honest at all times with your pick-up.

Eddi's advice for anyone not partnered who is having sex with a partnered person:

1.  If it is just once, and if you don't want a repeat, you do not generally have to go through the angst of figuring out what to do. Just keep it between the two of you.

2.  If you have fallen in love with a partnered person, and if they appear to be cold or appear to be avoiding you, forget having sex with them.  And remember to give them a cooling off period of at least a week if they are not responsive to your IM's. No one likes being badgered when online.

3. In general, partnered people are partnered.  Keep this in mind. Get out there and find someone single.  You will be much more satisfied at the end if a relationship is what you are looking for. 

And that, readers, is my advice for today!

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